July 4, 2019
Today marked my 54th year on this rock we call home. I woke up grateful to have made it, and yes, with a touch of joy in my heart. Then I went to work.
Let’s be clear, I am one of the blessed ones when it comes to working environment. I get to work with people I actually admire. The transition from home to work and back however, has a way of wearing one down – but that is a blog for another day.
As I moved about my day, I noticed an interesting trend: my willingness to own my number surprised some- that and my vulgarity, but what can I say, I was feeling extra real today.
Here’s the thing: only I know where I have been, what I have survived, and what I have accomplished. I am proud of my 54. Not because people pretend I don’t look my age, not because I think I’m extra in any way, but because not only am I still here, but I take joy in being.
Sure, I’ve got the aches, struggle with small lettering, and saddle bags are a bitch, but shit storms and all, I can honestly say I am having a good run.
And yes, I have been to the darkest place, making deals with my maker to take me out at 36 because I didn’t think I could take any more pain, but couldn’t be selfish enough to leave my son motherless before he hit the age of majority. Needless to say, I put a stop order on those prayers, because yes, as trite as it has become to say, if you hang in there, you’ll learn some and earn some, and it will get better.
I think the secret to the joy I take in life now, is that you could not pay me enough to go back and live any of it over. Hard knocks, betrayals, dancing with poverty – not just being broke but broken, in essence doing life the hard way, has made me who I am, and I like her.
I have had some great high points as well. While I can enjoy wrapping myself in the comfort of those memories, I still would not want to revisit them live. The temptation to change something would be too great, and then who would I be?
So today, yes, I celebrate my inner Maiden and think fondly of my fading Mother. I also embrace, with fierce pride, the rise of my Crone. If, as I believe, what comes before is to prepare you for what is to come, I know she will be a force to be reckoned with.